You probably clicked on the link for this post thinking, “what the heck does she mean by PCP- No, not the drug?” Maybe the title intrigued you or you wanted to know the ‘three silent killers’ were. Regardless of your interest and how it got you here, I am grateful you took a chance to find this post. This blog post was meant for you to read at a time when you need it the most. It could also be for a time when you need it later in life too. The bottom line is, I am happy you made it here 🙂

“Don’t give up.” “You’re not alone.” “You matter.”

Three phrases to start with from the picture above. I want you to think about how each phrase makes you feel as you repeat it to yourself. What kind of mental baggage have you brought into this space? Do these phrases resonate with your spirit and give you hope or do they feel cliche or even laughable due to what you’re carrying? I have a few requests for you before you read any further- Take one deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Stretch from side to side and relax your body and jaw. Good! Now physically pick up your ‘mental baggage’ and set it to the side for now. Yes, actually do it 😉 I want you to feel you can read through this without it for the time being. Can you do that for me?

When I initially thought of a post to write that could capture the things I struggle balancing, I wondered if others did too. After many conversations with friends, colleagues, and seeing it everywhere I went, I realized many of us struggle with same things. Now these three killers of performance are not by any means an exhaustive and formal list. They are challenges I have seen many people face including myself, that have impacted the way we show up in life and perform. Let’s get into it!

Three Silent Killers of Performance:

P- Perfectionism

C- Comparison

P- People Pleasing

“Perfectionism is the art of never being satisfied.” -Unknown

When it comes to perfectionism, I am not stranger to it. Growing up in a sport that requires that very thing in EVERY skill and performance while simultaneously having judges score you through their own lens of perfection can be dangerous. Dangerous for a growing brain and a child who doesn’t quite understand what a seemingly possible and impossible standard can do to them as they get older. I didn’t quite understand what perfectionism would do when I grew into my adult years. Perfectionism can hinder performance and works alongside comparison and people pleasing. What I’ve noticed over the years and even now is how certain behaviors like self-sabotage can get in the way of progress. For me and so many others, perfectionism can be a means to not do something because it ‘has’ to be ‘perfect.’ However, it’s a double-edged sword that keeps you striving for more and in the end, never being satisfied (like the quote above says).

Perfectionism can affect how we move forward with a lot of things in life. It can affect our day-to-day interactions, our posts on social media, or even the way we show up to our schools. I’ve had to re-train my brain to unlearn that the standard of ‘perfect’ was never attainable in the first place and it never will be – this side of heaven. We are humans with many flaws yet so much resilience! Often-times for me, perfectionism can play it’s hand mostly when it comes to posting on social media or creating things. I almost get paralyzed by the overanalyzing of how to make something the best it can be even though success actually comes from failure after failure. Then, self-sabotaging happens in the form of procrastination. That leads to the “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” and guilt. With guilt comes further procrastination and burnout. Then finally, I muster up the motivation and get it done but that doesn’t mean the cycle is over. I start right back at the beginning of the vicious cycle.

Does anyone relate to what I’m saying? If so, you’re not alone! When it comes to perfectionism, we need to reframe our perspective and redefine what success looks like. What progress actually means and how we actually will never attain perfection, and guess what? That’s okay! We were never meant to live our life out of fear of failure. We were meant to embrace failure to evolve and learn more about what we are made of. Perfectionism does the opposite. It wants to keep us from believing we ever had a chance to change in the first place. Perfectionism can rob us of opportunity. For some of us, it has. However, the good news is we still have the ability to change what we allow from today moving forward.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Theodore Roosevelt

Comparison, comparison, comparison. Yes, it certainly is the thief of joy, if you let it be. Comparison isn’t bad in and of itself. It’s how it’s used. If you’re comparing yourself to yourself, you’re able to learn from your mistakes, improve what your past performance has shown and become better. Comparison with others can be a slippery slope. Take my sport for example: gymnastics. When I was a gymnast, comparison and perfectionism were the foundation of what we did. You’re always strive for perfectionism at the expense of comparison. You’re constantly comparing yourself to your teammates, collegiate and Olympic athletes, your previous scores, and so on. The issue with this however is the false narrative you’re always telling yourself in that mindset. “If I just get this score like my teammate, then I’ll be the best and everyone will pay attention to me.” “If I can just (do, be, have) __________ like (whoever you’re comparing yourself to) then I’ll finally have everything I need.” You fill in the blank with your situation.

The opposite of comparison is Gratitude. To have a mindset of contentment. This is easier said than done of course. Having a mindset of contentment requires us to look at ourselves, not others, to see what we have taken for granted or potentially overlooked. Similarly to perfectionism, comparison never satisfies. You’re always planning the next step, which again isn’t always bad. It’s when that striving begins to take over and clouds your judgment with day-to-day tasks. Finding contentment in the things you have, the people you are surrounded by and the life you live will begin to show you that you truly may be where you’ve always wanted to be. If not now, you’re taking steps in the right direction.

Coming back to the gymnastics example, comparison will leave us feeling inadequate, lacking in confidence, and resentful. We may even feel underqualified when we actually find success or not fully celebrate what we’ve worked so hard for if we don’t believe in our own abilities. Comparison puts the focus on things outside of our control too often. We can only control how we respond to challenges, situations, and competition. We are uniquely wired to do so and there is no one like YOU in this world. So don’t pay attention to what you aren’t or don’t have, pay attention to what you already possess within you.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” -Brene Brown

The last and final silent killer of performance: being a people pleaser. This one hits heavy for me and probably will for you if you’re still figuring the whole boundaries thing out. I specifically picked this quote to show the vulnerability it takes to surrender and have ‘courage’ at the expense of ‘risking disappointing others.’ People pleasing can entangle us in many webs of self-destruction in order to preserve other’s peace and control the view others have of us. Saying it out loud like that sounds absurd and exhausting. The biggest fear people pleasers have is the fear of our own shame when it comes to how people view us. The biggest lie is that we ever had the control over their perception in the first place. People pleasing can complicate performance in many ways: (1) lacking advocacy and a voice, (2) being coerced to do something you never wanted to do, (3) compromising your values for self-preservation, (4) being inauthentic, and/or (5) building a false sense of security.

Let’s break these down more:

1. Lacking advocacy and a voice. This may look like a coach overstepping their boundaries of coach to push you past your breaking point, to the point of injury. It can also be the similar for a parent with their child-athlete or yourself when there is a lack of awareness or understanding of your role. Not having advocacy and a voice as an athlete and performer can be dangerous mentally and physically and can lead to codependency.
2. Being coerced to do something you never wanted to do. What do I mean by this? Think reverse psychology. When I say coerced, the fear of other’s perceptions about you is the what’s coercing you to choose something you may not have wanted to do in the first place. It’s better known as peer pressure in some instances. Having that one last drink that you really didn’t want to have or maybe even that last bite of food that sent you over to feeling overly stuffed.
3. Compromising your values for self-preservation. This one can have a long-term effect if you don’t recognize it right away. Understanding what your values are and how they align with your sport, life, job, etc., can help guide you away from what is ‘comfortable’ to what is ‘growth worthy.’ Growth strengthens your values, comfortability softens them.
4. Being inauthentic. Inauthenticity shows up in your performance as a lack of confidence. Not truly knowing your identity and what it’s founded in can impact many areas of your life. For example, it took me many years and multiple injuries to break down my identity in sport to realize sport was not a strong foundation. God is. Knowing I am a Daughter of the King shows up daily in every aspect of my life.
5. Building a false sense of security. A false sense of security can show up in where you build your identity from. Building your identity on temporary things can impact your performance heavily. Let’s say you put your identity in your sport because you like to win, you enjoy it and also love seeing your competitors get mad when you win or take the lead. Then, you get a career-ending injury God-forbid and now you have no idea who the heck you are. It’s false because the thing you put your identity in, led you to believe it would always be there yet it betrayed you like all temporary things can do.

If you feel like any of this called you out, it’s time to lean in a little closer now. I want to tell you about 5 ways to combat PCP in your daily life. These are tips I personally have and continue to use in my life. Disclaimer, these are not a “one-size-fits-all” set of tips.

1. Take it to God. It’s as simple as that. He wants to hear what you have to say, the good, the bad, and the ugly. He is more than able to handle what you give Him 🙂
2. Listening to instrumental music without the lyrics like lofi beats. These can be especially helpful when your brain is spiraling and doesn’t need more variables yet not having lyrics is very calming to me.
3. Spend quality time with a trusted friend or mentor that can speak life back into you. I can’t tell you how many times my support system has helped ground my perspective. Sometimes talking about what’s in your brain out loud gives it less power over you.
4. Realizing no one in the history of EVER was perfect (other than Jesus) and it’s really okay to mess up. We need to experience failure to know what growth looks like.
5. People are going to be okay without you and you will be too. This one was the hardest for me to realize as a people pleaser. Trusting that God had their best interests in mind, more than me, and He would take care of their disappointment, challenges, etc. It was never my responsibility in the first place.

Give one of these a try this week and let me know what happened. If you want to reach out via email or socials, I would love to connect and here your thoughts and experience. Remember, new ways of thinking and shifts in routine take time to acclimate to. Give yourself LOTS of grace, love, and know you’re not going to ‘get it right’ the first time. Trial and error is one of the best methods to learning 🙂

Kels